What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:30
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
How much should one budget to travel for 1 month generally?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do British people always write "xxx" after their names?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
How can I stop overthinking and take action more quickly?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
How does growing up in chaos affect a child as they become an adult?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
How the Brain Actively Removes Unwanted Memories - Neuroscience News
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
All the time i was locked up.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She loved him until the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It was going to be , some day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I have no regrets .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.